A Nonny Moose (clandestiny) wrote,
A Nonny Moose

Life's shattered dreams I could've done without...

I've been dealing with a lot of personal stresses this summer. One of my major distractions will not be a viable option again until all has passed. This is my fault, of course, as is many of the decisions, choices, events in my life. I'm typing truth, not being negative. I called this year My Year of Second Chances, but I have been proven incorrect on that front as well. Second Chances aren't real and neither are Fairy Tale fantasies. I had a wake-up call last night about my behaviours. A good friend of mine, who has been quite helpful to me during this time, informed me of this information. Needless to say, my fight or flight response is defaulted as flight. Running away doesn't solve anything, neither does anger. I'm not angry about anything going on, but I am upset. I will not seek to change what has been sent in motion; I will, instead, adapt to the new life that is forming. I thought I was more mature, fearless, hopeful than I was before, but I've realized my marriage has created a stagnation in my personal growth. The only way for me to grow is to extricate myself from this situation on my own. Even if that is the only thing that changes this year, it will be a good start for me. I am open to new experiences and a reset, but people don't take me seriously. Not sure how I can prove my sincerity at this point in my life, but choices have been made for me and I have to live with them. The church is calling me. Regardless of what drew me, or what I disagree with, my testimony has continued to grow. It seems to be the only place where I can grow and become a complete person. I have to sacrifice that which I cherish most in the material in order to grow in the spiritual. If, in a month or two, I am still wanted, cared for, desired... I will continue as I have been; the only difference being that I have reached the peak, the highest levels of my character. I am maxed out in attributes, one might say. I am taking a way more mature stance on this than some may say is possible. Deep down inside, I am raging, screaming, yelling, throwing things about. Deep down I do not understand why this is happening. However, even deeper than that, down in the core of my being, there is an understanding. It was there the whole time. There has been no change and there will never be. I can have this in my life forever, and that is my balm of Gilead. I will not be able to stop seeking or dreaming of my inspiration. I feel like Dante or Petrarch, and can understand clearly their anguish and despair. I do hope it becomes possible for me to feel this way to another who reciprocates equally, but I do not expect so. I love deep and hard and intensely, and I've turned away from the one who loves hard in return. I'm rambling on here, not sure where this will all take me... But I feel like my stagnation is my own and no one elses... If my domestic life wasn't so horrid, I may be open to a reconciliation, but I know it'll only lead to heartache and pain... I love you, Ael... I just wish I could show you how much...

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Tags: ael
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