A Nonny Moose (clandestiny) wrote,
A Nonny Moose

  • Location:
  • Mood:
  • Music:

The Lightbulb jokes in the order in which they have to be...

First, A Star Trek one followed by the Theatre related ones:

Q: How many Enterprise crew members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: (OS versions) Six-Scotty to get on the intercom when the light goes out and say "I canna do it, Cap'n! These bulbs are stoon dead", Spock to tell Kirk he is proceeding illogically, McCoy to say quot;They're BURNED-OUT, Jim!" and "Dammit Jim-I'm a doctor not an electrician!!", Kirk to screw it in, and two red-shirt security men to die in the process.
A: (long version) The Enterprise is transporting a stuffy, pompous Federation diplomat to a crucial peace conference when the bulb burns out. Scotty rigs up some odds and ends that will keep it burning for twenty-four hours but they need to get a replacement in that time. So the ship makes an emergency detour to Alpha Regula IV, the nearest planet with any known light bulb stocks. However, when Kirk, Spock, McCoy and three security men beam down, a Klingon ship appears, so Scotty warps the Enterprise out of orbit. Meanwhile, on the planet, two of the security men are killed by a sentient energy field and the other dies when a native throws a poisoned spear at him. Kirk, Spock and McCoy are taken prisoner by the natives, who mistakenly assume them to be in league with the energy field which has been killing them, too. Kirk realizes that they have tons of light bulbs which could be useful to the Federation, so he attempts to communicate with the chief, who agrees to let Kirk have the light bulbs if he survives a duel with the tribe's greatest warrior. In a rough, tough and bone crunching fight, Kirk wins at the last minute. In gratitude, the chief allows him to sleep with his daughter, who has fallen in love with him. McCoy cures his wife of her chronic illness and delivers her baby. As they celebrate, the energy field appears and is about to kill everybody when Spock uses a mindmeld to convince it the tribe is not a threat. Meanwhile, in space, Scotty has resisted the entreaties of the diplomat to fall for the Klingons' phony peace ploy, violating Federation law when he overrules him, but later the diplomat is convinced when Scotty fights them off, and at the last minute, he returns to orbit and beams up the landing party, who now have all the light bulbs the Federation needs. After the last commercial break, they screw it in, and then Kirk, McCoy and Spock sit together on the bridge and make philosophical/humorous comments about what just happened. That stock shot of the Enterprise flying off into the starfield appears, and the episode ends.


How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
Do we really have to have another light bulb? It's not in the budget, you know.

How many playwrights does it take to change a light bulb?
Change? Change? Why does it have to change? It's perfect just the way it is.

How many Directors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. No, five. No, you go away -- four. YES! Four! Perfect! I think...

How many stage managers does it take to change a...
Never mind. It's done.

How many set designers does it take to change a light bulb?
Does it really have to be a light bulb?

How many lighting designers does it take to change a light bulb?
Why bother, the actress can't find the light anyway.

How many props masters does it take to change a light bulb?
Light bulb!? No one told me they put a lamp on the set.

How many theatre students does it take to change a light bulb?
Uh, what's the deadline, 'cause I may need and extension.

How many lighting techs does it take to change a light bulb?
It's not a bulb, it's a lamp, stupid.

How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven. Of course, I wouldn't expect you to understand.

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them. One to change the bulb, and the rest to talk about how much
better they could have done it.

How many performance artists does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't know. I left before the first act was over.

How many IATSE members does it take to change a light bulb?
12, with a 4-hour minimum. You got a problem with that?

How many theatre critics does it take to change a light bulb?
One to be highly critical of the design elements, one to express contempt
for the glow of the lamp, one to lambaste the wattage used, one to discuss
at length his interpretation of wattage used, one to observe how trite the use
of a light bulb was, one to critique the performance of the bulb itself, one
to recall superb light bulbs of past seasons and lament how this one fails
to measure up, and all to join in the refrain, reflecting on how they could
build a better light bulb in their sleep.

How many audience members does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to do it, on child to cry all through Act I, one to loudly say,
"LOOK ROSE. HE'S CHANGING THE LIGHT BULB," and one to frantically
ty to silence their cell phone as it plays the Hallelujah Chorus.

taken from here.

Q: How many Backstage crew does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: EIGHT. One person to get the scaffolding out, put the scaffolding out, turn off the LD90's take the blown lamp out, find a replacement, stick it in, reset the LD90 MCB, turn the channel back up, climb up the tower, refocus the light, take the tower down and put it away. The other seven sit in the Projection Box, supervise, and broadcast helpful comments over the tannoy.

Q: How many Carpenters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind? None-just assume it's changed.
A: Fuck you! That's the electrician's job.

Q: How many Deputy Stage Managers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Member of Electrics to the Stage please, a member of Electrics to the Stage...
Tags: humour

  • Delmonico's Cut from the Pompeii Pillars.

    Oh wait...what is this? I'm updating again? So soon. Did something of import actually happen? Well, everyday is important in its own way. But, you…

  • And We're back!

    Greetings all you lovely people out there! We are home! YAY!!! We got back last night with enough time to enjoy pizza! YAY!!! Just chilling and…

  • The Vacation is over, but the Honeymoon will never end.

    Almost home. Be back tomorrow night. Rest of pics are being uploaded. Not all are on Facebook. You must come over if you wish to be bombarded with…

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.