THE TECHIE GOSPEL:
We hold this truth to be self evident:
That all TECHIES are created superior.
In the beginning there was the Stage, and the Stage was
without lights or sets, and darkness was on the faces of the actors.
And the Technical Director (hereinafter referred to as the TD)
said, "Let there be Lights!" and the TECHIES worked and
wired, and there were lights. Spotlights and specials,
areas and backlighting - yea, lights of all shapes, sizes and hues.
And the TD saw the lights, that they were well aimed and focused, gelled according to the
scene, and no more was there darkness on the faces of the actors. And it was good.
And the evening and the morning were the First Day.
And the TD looked upon the actors and saw that although
they walked in light, they did walk upon a bare stage, and had
no place to be, and the TD was moved to pity. And the TD said,
"Let there be a Set!": and the TECHIES scrambled and worked,
and there was a set, with platforms, wagons, stairs, and
furniture of various types and sized, each according to the need.
And the actors did walk within the set, and did have a place to be.
And the TD saw the set, that it was good, and the evening and the
morning were the Second Day.
And the TD saw the actors, that although
they did have a place to be, they did look like fools,
for they waved their hands, clutched at open air, and
struck each other with nothing. And in his heart, the TD was moved
to pity. And the TD said, "Let there be Props!": and the
TECHIES worked feverishly and did buy and build, and there were
props. And they were good, and the evening and the morning were
the Third Day.
And the Costumer looked upon the actors,
and saw that they did go forth in blue jeans and the Costumer
knew that this would not do. And the Costumer said, "Let there
be Costumes!": and the TECHIES did cut and sew and shape, and there
were costumes, each sized to the actor, according to the play,
and keeping in with the role. And no more did the actors go
forth in blue jeans, and the Costumer saw the costumes, that they
were good, and the evening and the morning were the Fourth Day.
And the TD watched the play, and saw that the actors did wait
in silence, and was moved to pity. And the TD said, "Let there be
Sound!": and the TECHIES worked and taped, and there were sounds,
each according to its place and cue, all at the proper levels.
And the TD heard the sounds, that they were good, and the evening
and the morning were the Fifth Day.
And lo, all these works were completed in five days,
showing that if God had used sufficient TECHIES in the first place,
He would have finished sooner.
Behold, my son here is wisdom. Pay heed to these words, and in the days of thy play, in the hours of thy performing, thou shalt not be caught short. For truly, it is said, pay heed to the errors of others and you shall not make them yourself, and again, as we have been told from on old, to thine own self be true.
I. Give not unto the actor his props before his time, for as surely as the sun does rise in the East and set in the West, he will lose or break them.
II. When told the placement of props by the Director, write not these hings in ink upon thy script for as surely as the winds blow, so shall he change his mind.
III. Speak not in large words to actors, for they are slow of thought and are easily confused.
IV. Speak not in the language of the TECHIE to actors, for they are uninitiated, and will not perceive thy meaning.
V. Tap not the head of a nail to drive it, but strike it firmly with thy strength.
VI. Keep holy the first performance, for afterwards you shall party.
VII. Keep holy the last performance, for afterwards you shall party.
VIII. Remember always that the TD is never wrong. If appears that he is, then you obviously misunderstood him the first time.
IX. Leave not the area of the stage during the play to go and talk with the actors, for as surely as you do, you will be in danger of missing your cue and being summarily executed or worse.
X. Beware of the actors during scene changes, for they are not like unto you and are blind in the dark.
XI. Beware of actors when flying in walls, for they will stand and watch and get crushed.
XII. Take not thy cues before their time, but wait for the proper moment to do so.
XIII. Take pity on the actors, for in their roles they are as children, and must be led with gentle kindness. Thus, endeavor to speak softly and not in anger.
XIV. Listen carefully to the instructions of the Director as to how he wants things done -- then do it the right way. In the days of thy work, he will see thy wisdom, give himself the credit, and rejoice.
XV. And above all, get carried away not with the glow-tape, or thy stage will be like unto an airport.
WORDS TO THE TECHIES
Remember always that thou art a TECHIE, born to walk the dark places of the stage, and know the secret ways of thy equipment. To your hands it is given to mold the dreams and thoughts of they that watch, and to make the Stage a separate place and time. Seek not, as do the actors, to go forth in light upon the stage, for though they strut and talk and put on airs, their craft does truly depend on you, to shape the dreams that they would show. Remember also that although they depend on you, you exist only to aid them. Remember that thou art a team, for thou shalt party together.
My friends: be not deceived by deluded actors masquerading as TECHIES. Remember always the signs by which thou shalt recognize a true TECHIE: they move softly during scene changes, not stumbling or falling; they are silent backstage and are aware of what is happening; they can speak with knowledge of Tools; they respect another's job and aid where they can; they do not just stand and watch.
THE BOOK OF BILL
1 And when God had created light, and sets, and props, and costumes, and the like, God rested, and this sabbath day he named the Cast Party.
2 And the Cast Party was good.
3 But on the morning following this said sabbath, the Lord did rise with pain of head and nausea of stomach, and God did go forth into the lighting booth to take unto himself some Pain-Aid and Pepto from the first-aid kit.
4 And because the Lord had not yet drunk of his heavenly goblet of black coffee, he thought, "I shall make a creature in my likeness, and in the likeness of the Techies, who are already in my likeness, and all shall bring me glory."
5 And God took a handful of Pain-Aid and Pepto and created a being in his likeness, and the likeness of the Techies,
6 wearing many tools and garments of only black.
7 And God saw that his creation was good, and firm of joint, and could see in the dark.
8 And the Techies did party, and build the new creature a beautiful set in which to dwell, with perfect sight lines, a lowering grid, a turntable, three scrims, showers in the back, and gelchangers in the lights.
9 And God said, "My child, I name thee Bill. Go forth and play, Bill."
10 Bill did go forth and play, and henceforward a being running forth like a child on a set would be called a Play.
11 And God said only, "Run, play, and be fruitful; live in great peace on this beautiful set which my Techies have created.
12 Only heed one warning: thou shalt not play pridefully in the vision of anyone, with the exception of the Techies, who are always watching and well should be."
13 Bill did play for many nights alone with no one but the Techies for company, and was content.
14 But each time God did fade the sunset special from the western side of the theater, Bill's heart cried more and more in torment.
15 And Bill wept to God, "Lord God who hath created me, who hath clothed me and fed me and taught me the holy ways of wrenches and circuits and hath not troubled me to climb any really tall ladders,
16 Lord God, I am lonely and need another like myself."
17 And the Lord was moved to pity.
18 So he took a pipe wrench and smote Bill upside the head, then clipped a lock of his flaxen hair with a utility knife. He mixed this with some sawdust and two measures of joint compound.
19 And God did stir. He stirred until the grid did quake and the heavens flickered.
20 Thus was created another being in the likeness of Bill, but suave of build and of hair as blonde as the morn.
21 God said to Bill, "My son, I offer you the great honor of bestowing this fine creature a name." "I name him Steve," Bill replied with stars in his eyes.
22 Thusly became Bill and Steve playmates, and there was much frolic and rejoicing on the set.
23 And God saw that they were good, and was not moved to concern.
24 But Bill and Steve grew fond of their games of charades, and were less and less satisfied with the clear, alert gaze of the Techies. "I want not to be gazed upon merely for my light cues," cried out Bill in great distress.
25 "Ah, and I am such a handsome devil," sighed Steve, admiring his reflection in the lid of a paint can. "What a pity that such beauty should go unappreciated!"
26 And God did shake his great head and chuckle, unconvinced that any of his children should go astray.
27 One night, when the R78's glowed softly in the fresnels, Steve was stirred to waking by a strange noise. He noticed a shadowy figure standing before him.
28 "Speak, and proclaim thyself!" Steve insisted, leaping to his feet and grabbing a piece of stage artillery from the nearby prop table.
29 "Fear me not," proclaimed the specter. "I am none but a weary traveler, and I have journeyed from afar merely to perceive thy beauty and talent."
30 "You're kidding," quoth Steve, dropping his sword.
31 "Ah, indeed," the figure did continue, "far and wide hath the news spread of thy ability to behave in the likeness of characters other than thyself." Steve replied, "And I thought it was simple schizophrenia!" with some relief.
32 And the figure did pull forth a business card, and when Steve did inquire as to what meant the strange word "agent," the figure replied that he was none but a human being who appreciated a good performance and liked to see other people appreciate it, too. For a small fee, of course.
33 Steve did act for the agent, and tap dance, and sing, paying no heed to the word of God.
34 The agent brought in some of his family, then friends, and Steve awoke Bill to play a jazzed-up duet of "Don't Cry For Me Argentina" fit to make Patti weep.
35 And the Techies did follow Bill and Steve with large round lights, and adjust the sound as necessary, for they understood the word of God and were bound by their God-betrothed duty.
36 The audience did pound their palms together in applause like unto thunder, standing and whistling and shouting for an encore. God was thus awakened from his slumber.
37 Bill and Steve were aware of the coming wrath of God, and they ran and hid. God sent forth all the Techies to find them.
38 When the Techies did return, they had retrieved not only Bill and Steve but armloads of 8x10 headshots from the lobby and empty bottles of mineral water from the green room. Bill and Steve did cower before God. And God said:
39 Henceforward shalt thou be called "actor," And all thy descendants "actor" as well. Thou shalt wear colorful clothes,
40 And be stripped of the holy knowledge of the Techie.
41 May you marry many times without success. May the tabloids exploit you.
42 May you die lonely deaths in hotel rooms in Vegas, For thou hast fallen from grace.
43 Bill and Steve wept and cried out for redemption, but it was to no avail, for they had sinned in the eyes of God.
44 And their garments became colorful, and sewn with sequins, and uncomfortable, and their faces coated in pancake makeup.
45 And they did forget all that they were taught about being a good Techie, and needed to be spoken to in small words, and could not see even glo-tape in the dark.
46 And the Techies prevailed.