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The Lost Monty Python Goth Sketches

THE GOTH SHOP

A montage of arty photographs. The cutting from photo to photo is pretty fast. Goth music is heard. Starting with: a close up of Andrew Eldritch, who is respectable and wears smart casual clothes; various photos of Eldritch walking along the pavement, again very artily shot from show-off angles; Eldritch pausing outside a shop; Eldritch looking up at the shop; Edwardian-style shop with large sign above it reading 'Ye Olde Gothic Emporium'; another sign below the first reading 'Steve Roses, Purveyor of Fine Gothicness to the Gentry and the Poverty Stricken Too'; another sign below this reading 'Licensed for Public Dancing'; close up of Eldritch looking pleased; shot of Eldritch entering the shop. Music cuts dead. Cut to interior of the Goth shop. Goth music playing as Eldritch enters. The Spice Girls dressed as city gents are Goth dancing in the corner to the music of a bass guitar and drum machine. The shop itself is large and redolent of the charm and languidity of a bygone age. There is actually nothing Gothic to be seen either on or behind the counter but this is not obvious. Eldritch approaches the counter and rings a small handbell. Steve appears.

Steve(Michael) Good Morning, sir.

Eldritch(John) Good morning. I was sitting in the public library
in Thurmond Street just now, skimming through 'Rogue Herries' by Horace
Walpole when suddenly I came over all darkish.

SteveDarkish, sir?

EldritchMorbidity.

SteveEh?

Eldritch(broad Yorkshire) Eee I were all Gothic, like.

SteveOh, Gothic.

Eldritch(normal accent) In a nutshell. So I thought to myself
'a little gothic apparel and ornamentation will do the trick'. So I curtailed my
Wallpolling activities, sallied forth and infiltrated your place of purveyance
to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles.(smacks his lips)

SteveCome again.

Eldritch(broad Northern accent) I want to buy something Gothic.

SteveOh, I thought you were complaining about the music.

Eldritch(normal voice) Heaven forbid. I am one who delights in
all manifestations of the terpsichorean muse.

SteveSorry?

EldritchI like a nice dance - you're forced to.

Quick cut to Viking.

Viking (Michael)(broad Nottingham accent) Anyway.

Cut back to the shop

SteveWho said that?

Eldritch(normal voice) Now my good man, something Gothic, please.

SteveYes certainly, sir. What would you like?

EldritchWell, how about a little ankh?

SteveI'm afraid we're fresh out of ankh's, sir.

EldritchOh never mind. How are you on virgins blood?

SteveNever at the end of the week, sir. Always get it fresh first thing on Monday.

EldritchTish, tish. No matter. Well, four ounces of speed then, if you please,
stout yeoman.

SteveAh, well, it's been on order for two weeks, sir, I was expecting it this morning.

EldritchYes, it's not my day is it. Er, black candles?

SteveSorry.

EldritchWhips?

SteveNormally sir, yes, but today the van broke down.

EldritchAh. Eyeliner?

SteveSorry.

EldritchNail Varnish, Wigs?

SteveNo.

EldritchAny Vampyre fangs?

SteveNo.

EldritchSkulls?

SteveNo.

EldritchRings?

SteveNo.

EldritchBangles?

SteveNo.

EldritchCorsets?

SteveNo.

EldritchThigh length boots?

Steve...No.

EldritchRubber?

SteveNo.

EldritchPVC?

SteveNo.

EldritchBondage gear, collars, leads, fans, sunglasses, fanzines, flyers, tarot cards,
coffins, poetry, dildo's, white face powder?

SteveAh! we do have some white face powder, sir.

EldritchYou do. Excellent.

SteveIt's a bitrunny, sir.

EldritchOh, I like it runny.

SteveWell as a matter of fact it's veryrunny, sir.

EldritchNo matter. No matter. Hand over le powder de la Belle France qui s'appelle
mascara, s'il vous plâit.

SteveI think it's runnier than you like it, sir.

Eldritch(smiling grimly) I don't care how excrementally runny it is. Hand it
over with all speed.

Steve Yes, sir.(bends below the counter and reappears) Oh...

EldritchWhat?

SteveThe cat's eaten it.

EldritchHas he?

SteveShe, sir.

Eldritchpiercings?

SteveNo.

EldritchDeath comics?

SteveNo.

EldritchCrow merchandise?

SteveNo.

EldritchElvira dolls?

SteveNo.

EldritchMasquerade Live Role Play?

SteveNo, sir.

EldritchYou do have something Gothic, do you?

SteveCertainly, sir. It's a Goth shop, sir, We've got...

EldritchNo, no, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

SteveFair enough.

EldritchRoses?

SteveYes, sir?.

EldritchSplendid. Well, I'll have some of that then, please.

SteveOh, I'm sorry sir, I thought you were referring to me, Mr Roses.

EldritchHenna tattoos?

SteveNo.

EldritchFalse eyelashes?

SteveNo.

EldritchSpray on cobwebs?

SteveNo.

EldritchWhitby Tickets?

SteveNo.

EldritchAny pagan literature?

SteveNo.

EldritchAlchemy goods?

SteveNo.

EldritchLeather?

SteveNot today sir, no.

EldritchWell let's keep it simple, how about some Sisters?

SteveWell I'm afraid we don't get much call for it around these parts.

EldritchNo call for it? It's the single most popular Goth band in the world!

SteveNot round these parts, sir.

EldritchAnd pray what is the most popular Goth band round these parts?

SteveNosferatu, sir.

EldritchI see.

SteveYes, sir. It's quite staggeringly popular in the manor, squire.

EldritchIs it?

SteveYes sir, it's our number-one seller.

EldritchIs it?

SteveYes sir.

EldritchNosferatu eh?

SteveRight.

EldritchOK, I'm game. Have you got any, he asked expecting the answer no?

SteveI'll have a look sir ... nnnnnnooooooooo.

EldritchIt's not much of a Goth shop really, is it?

SteveFinest in the district, sir.

EldritchAnd what leads you to that conclusion?

SteveWell, it's so clean.

EldritchWell, it's certainly uncontaminated by anything Gothic.

SteveYou haven't asked me about black hair dye, sir.

EldritchIs it worth it?

SteveCould be.

EldritchOK, have you ... will you shut that bloody dancing up!(the music stops)

Steve(to dancers) Told you so.

EldritchHave you got any black hair dye?

SteveNo.

EldritchNo, that figures. It was pretty predictable really. It was an act of pure optimism to
pose the question in the first place. Tell me something, do you have anything Gothic at all?

SteveYes, sir.

EldritchNow I'm going to ask you that question once more, and if you say 'no' I'm going
to shoot you through the head. Now, do you have anything Gothic at all?

SteveNo.

Eldritch(shoots him) What a senseless waste of human life.

Eldritch puts a cowboy hat on his head. Cut to stock shot of man on horse riding into
the sunset. Music swells dramatically.


Mr Praline walks into the shop carrying a dead net.goth in a cage which has a chain attached to it's neck collar. He walks to the counter where the shopkeeper tries to hide below the cash register

Praline(John) Hello, I wish to register a complaint ... Hello? Miss?

Shopkeeper(Michael) What do you mean, miss?

PralineOh, I'm sorry, I have a skirt. I wish to make a complaint.

ShopkeeperSorry we're closing for lunch.

PralineNever mind that my lad, I wish to complain about this net.goth what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

ShopkeeperOh yes, the Dreadlock Blue. What's wrong with it?

PralineI'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it.

ShopkeeperNo, no it's tripping, look!

PralineLook my lad, I know a dead net.goth when I see one and I'm looking at one right now.

ShopkeeperNo, no sir, it's not dead. It's tripping.

PralineTripping?

ShopkeeperYeah, remarkable goth the Dreadlock Blue, beautiful make-up, innit?

PralineThe make-up don't enter into it - it's stone dead.

ShopkeeperNo, no - it's just tripping.

Praline All right then, if it's tripping I'll bring it down.(shouts at net.goth) Hello net.goth! I've got a nice E tab for you when you come down, net.goth!

Shopkeeper(pulling neck chain) There it moved.

PralineNo he didn't. That was you pulling the chain.

ShopkeeperI did not.

Praline Yes, you did.(takes net.goth out of cage, shouts) Hello net.goth, net.goth(bangs it against counter) net.goth, come down. Net.goth.(throws it in the air and lets it fall to the floor) Now that's what I call a dead net.goth.

ShopkeeperNo, no it's stunned.

PralineLook my lad, I've had just about enough of this. That net.goth is definitely deceased. And when I bought it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long dark poetry recitation.

ShopkeeperIt's probably pining for the Slimelight.

PralinePining for the Slimelight, what kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home?

ShopkeeperThe Dreadlock Blue prefers kipping on its back. Beautiful goth, lovely make-up.

PralineLook, I took the liberty of examining that net.goth, and I discovered that the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been nailed there.

ShopkeeperWell of course it was nailed there. Otherwise it would muscle up to those bars and voom.

Praline Look matey(picks up net.goth) this net.goth wouldn't voom if I put four thousand grams of speed in it. It's bleeding demised.

ShopkeeperIt's not, it's pining.

PralineIt's not pining, it's passed on. This net.goth is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late net.goth. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-net.goth.

ShopkeeperWell, I'd better replace it then.

Praline(to camera) If you want anything done in this country you've got to complain till you're blue in the mouth.

ShopkeeperSorry guv, we're right out of net.goths.

PralineI see. I see. I get the picture.

ShopkeeperI've got an Industrial.

PralineDoes it talk?

ShopkeeperNot really, no.

PralineWell, it's scarcely a replacement, then is it?

ShopkeeperLook, I didn't want to be a Shopkeeper. I wanted to be a lumberjack.

PralineEr, excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?

ColonelRight stop that, its silly!

They stop.

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